Sitting with myself


I read the other day that, “Failure is not something we are, failure is something we do.” The author stated, “The real question is not if you will fail, but how you will respond.” One of the areas in my life where I feel I’m a failure, is food.  I used to think I was an emotional eater.  I thought food was the thing I used to bring comfort, and if I could just transfer it to God, then I would be okay.  I did this and lost over 70 lbs. in the 90's through a spiritual based weight loss program.

I never gained all the weight back, but there has always been those 15 lbs. that would creep back. Some people would say the overeating and weight gain is caused by a lack of discipline, true; some would say greed, true.  However, for me, the question still remains, "Why, God, does something as simple as food has me bound? Why am I not free from this struggle? What is in my journey that causes this problem of overeating?”

Last year, I felt I had overcome.  It was my 65th birthday and finally, I was down to a good weight. This was reflected in my A1C numbers and other health areas. Then it happened again, the weight started to creep back.  Those principles I had embraced were no longer being used.  I was back on the same street, same address, ringing the same door bell.  My 15 lbs. were back, and this time with a vengence.

“Why?!” I cried out to God, “What is wrong with me? Why do I sabotage my success?”  As I sat with “me”, I decided to take a backward journey to see when this love affair with food began.  My earliest memory was in elementary school.  It’s too much to go into, but I now had an understanding of the cause.  I accepted that this was a stronghold that needed to be broken.

Let me be clear, I am not striving to be a particular size, but I do want to see improvements in my A1C numbers and overall health.  So, I started over again by sitting with myself. From a principle standpoint, I know what works for me -  small portions and eating when I am truly hungry.  Spiritually, I needed to invite God into the process of really healing me in those areas where I needed healing, love and acceptance.

I needed to embrace God's vision for my life and get clarity.  No physical cleanse could do this, only God’s spirit.  I needed to trust God, to believe that He really was all that I needed in this life and on my journey.  God loves me no matter what my size is, but it is difficult for me to complete my assignment if I am not honoring my body.  I sat with myself and repented of my sin.  God forgives! I have made a decision to correct and modify my behavior.  I can’t do this in my own strength, but I am well aware that I am on a path to be whole.  Someone once said, “Two steps forward and one step back, but going in the right direction.” God’s power, God’s provision, and God’s grace are always with me on my food journey.  So, as I sit with myself, it does not include eating the entire bag of chocolate chip cookies, but being in touch with that little girl in elementary school and understanding that God is really enough.