This blog is dedicated to the memory of Dionesha Clarke
I Can’t Fix This
I was sitting in my office on January 2, 2019 looking at my calendar and planning some dates for the year. Then suddenly, something happened. My friend’s daughter died, one of our nieces was gone. It threw us all off. I was stunned, sad, and unable to think clearly. It was all emotions.
No one ever expects death, especially when it seems to come out of nowhere. We are never prepared. I was planning my year and I did not expect to hear that she was gone. One of my favorite quotes (and I have many), is, “If you think you have figured God out, then it must not be God.” I could not figure this out!
My eyes were filled with tears, I openly wept and I shook my head. You see, a part of me has always felt that if you line up your life, know your purpose, have your affirmations on a stack of post-it notes, pray, sit in silence and meditate, then all of your dreams and hopes for a bright future will come to pass. The other part of me knows that life just happens.
I will admit that I am a fixer and many times I will over function because I am that kind of person. Isn’t that what we are trained to do? This “fix this” mentality even spills over into our relationship with God. “Jesus fix it and fix it now!” I could not fix this. I could not bring her back. I only had my faith, my love for God, and my love for them. Would that be enough?
Then I heard this small voice say, “No, you can’t fix this but you can count on Me to be with you. You can’t fix this, but you can continue to believe Me for them while they are on this journey. You can’t fix this but you can trust Me and continue to love them through this difficult time.”
This “fix this” mentality impedes waiting on God and it is exhausting. I needed to be reminded of the importance of waiting. Peter Scazzero is right when he says, “Waiting on God when things are confusing is difficult.” He calls this, “The wait in the confusing in between.” He says it is control. When I try to fix this, it means ‘I got this because I am in control.’
I am not in control, God is! I can’t fix this but I am learning to wait on God even if it is confusing! “Loss marks the place where self- knowledge and powerful transformation happen, if we have the courage to participate in the process.” (Scazzero)
I have the courage to continue to trust God in the process of what He is doing in my life and in the life of my friends. I am still crying and there are no “spiritual shortcuts” around this hole in my heart. I know now without a shadow of doubt, since I can’t fix this, I can be present with them. I can call, send a a note, a text, say a prayer and most of all, I can love them well!